You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
