i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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