you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
