I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
