the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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