she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
