Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
