seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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