I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
