And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
