Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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