My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have tasted many bathrooms
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
