i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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