I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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