I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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