You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
