ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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