He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
