How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
