someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
