Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Houston, we have a squirter
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
