yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
