Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
