Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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