I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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