I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
