i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
