The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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