i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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