How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
