you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Randomize
