addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
