her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
