That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
