I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
