I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
