she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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