Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
