Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
