I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
