i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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