i think my tv is drunk
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
