the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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