you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
