You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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