My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
