saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news, I just burned my penis
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
