That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
