Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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