But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
