I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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