I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
