I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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