I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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