From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
