i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
