I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
