I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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