I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
