Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
